onaji uta
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Mika remembers a summer day when she went to a cafe and listened to the song that later resonated the achings of her heart.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: onaji uta. (the same song.)  
Pairing: Mika + Tohma  
Rating: G  
Description: Mika remembers a summer day when she went to a caf****e**** and listened to the song that later resonated the achings of her heart.**

**Disclaimer: Gravitation isn****'****t mine. Absolute and their song is mine though.**

**onaji uta. (the same song.)  
By miyamoto yui  
**

"I've had it."  
I closed my laptop and got up to leave. After studying and working, I needed to take my well-deserved break.

A long time ago, during the afternoon summer sun, the sweltering heat made me go out for a walk. The walls of my room were making me feeling like the heat couldn't make me feel any more claustrophobic. You know how you sometimes just want to get out because your home reminds you of the entropy that exists within your head? Well, that was how I felt.

I got my keys, put on my strapped high heels and walked out with a black tank top and white shorts. Maybe I should have taken the cab or something, but being in some enclosed space promised little salvation for me, especially when I just wanted to feel the wind for once. Once you got used to being in cars and vehicles, you forgot how it was to really walk anywhere. I guess I took these types of things for granted sometimes.

I flipped up the cel phone flap and began to dial a number, but then, I closed it in the next instant with my red painted nails glistening in the sun with the glitter. Couldn't I just spend an entire day outside without working or talking to anyone about "business"? It was hard, but I knew I could. "Workaholic" was the title my two brothers loved to call me when they talked about me.

And so, I walked. I walked until I stopped to see a new café's grand opening.  
The doors were open and even though there was a long line, I decided to wait anyway. I never waited in line for anything though. I was always impatient that way.  
But watching all these people, I couldn't help but feel excited for whatever was going to happen even though I couldn't quite catch exactly what people were talking about. And when I got to the front, I ended up ordering a slice of a strawberry-filled cake and coffee. Then, I took my order to the seats outside.

It was kind of weird.  
I was used to being alone, but when I got used to having people around me all the time, I missed that type of atmosphere. I wasn't like Eiri in the sense that sometimes he needed to go out to be in a room full of strangers just to feel the bustle of the city, the false sense of human contact.  
I used to be that way, but then I discovered that eating and enjoying life required people in some way, at least for a little while. Sure, it would hurt to say goodbye, but it was good while it lasted.

With a clap of my hands, I smiled while saying, "Itadakimasu."  
That cake sure did look good and when I took up my fork to eat it, it turned out to be the best cake I ever ate in my whole life. Now, Tatsuha's cake was second best.

(Don't get me wrong. Tatsuha can only cook very few things VERY well. It happened to be a chocolate ice cream cake in honor of Sakuma Ryuichi's birthday a few months earlier. I still don't know how he did it, or what the hell he went through, but that was the most delicious cake I ate until this one, even if he was only how old. Of course, I had to help him, but most of it was by himself.)

As I was eating, a band started to play on the stage that was set up in the front. I had to peak over a few heads, but I could still see them clearly. It was funny to see a group of four young boys play rock in front of such a nice, quiet-looking café. And yet, it was cool too.  
The contrast in itself was easy to adjust to because it seemed to fit in some weird way.

The singer of "Absolute" was holding onto the microphone with both of his hands and his black hair covered half of his face. He had the palest skin, but his dark eyes set off the rest of his features. You couldn't believe that he was male because he looked too pretty to be a man.  
Holding one hand out, he sang,

_"__It was a miracle that you came.  
I was about to leave  
And this was our chanced meeting.  
Do you believe in fate?_

_I__'__m a lost little boy  
In the great world,  
Still keeping my childish heart  
Even though I__'__ve become a man._

_But tell me when you look at me,  
When you look at my eyes,  
Tell me that you don__'__t believe in fate.  
If that__'__s true,  
I guess I__'__ll have to chase you  
Until the end of time._

_I don__'__t know how to say goodbye__…"_

At that moment, someone smiled at me as he motioned with his hand to the empty seat across the square wooden table I sat in. "Is anyone sitting here?"  
I changed my focus from the singer to the male voice that had spoken to me. "No."  
"May I sit here?" he asked with his smile even wider than before.  
I nodded my head slowly, already caught by his elegant air. But, I turned my head back to the singer, who continued to sing,  
_  
__"__What? What do I do?  
If I want to be near you,  
Thoughts are not enough.  
But the seasons are changing too fast  
For an answer to come  
To you and me._

_On a busy street,  
Many seasons have already passed,  
I saw you standing at the corner  
Waiting for the light to turn green.  
Did you recognize me?_

_Tell me you believe in fate  
Because I don__'__t know how to say goodbye  
To the dream  
That came to life  
Before my eyes.__"__  
_  
At the end of the song, another one started, but I already wanted to go up and buy the cd that they were promoting. But before I could do anything, the man who sat across me asked, "What do you think?"  
I turned my head towards him. "I like them," I simply said, unable to say all the words that were trying to burst out of me.

The image, the feel…everything seemed right. They needed a little work, but they were really good.

But more than that, there was something bothering me about the man across me. Why did he seem so familiar?

I drank my coffee and before I said anything, he was already talking to one of the people working at the café. The worker came back with three cds. And the man pushed one in my direction. "You have good taste in music."  
I smiled at him and nodded my head in embarrassment. "Thank you very much."

As confident as I was in front of presentations and the like, there was still that little girl inside of me that never could be taken away. I was always shy deep, deep inside. And he was bringing that awful trait out into the light when I had tried to hide it in the darkness of things that I didn't like about myself.

But I tried to push the cd back into his direction. "Thanks, but I can get one myself."  
He shook his head with his eyes closed. When he looked again into my eyes, I felt like I was so sucked in. They were so full of determination, and yet they were sparkling like a little boy's. There were few people who could look older than they were, but still carry the vivacity of an innocence that wasn't lost while growing up.

Even though I had lost my sparkle in that sense, I could still recognize it.

We talked for a while and we totally forgot to introduce ourselves to one another. So as evening approached, he got up and nodded his head. "It was nice talking to you…May I have your name?"  
The blond man laughed as he touched the back of his hat in embarrassment.  
"Uesugi Mika."  
He blinked his eyes for a split-second. I almost thought it didn't happen, but I knew I saw it, even in that small amount of time. He looked like he was shocked.

"I'm-"  
And then it clicked inside my head. I opened my eyes a bit wide and gasped while quietly saying in disbelief, "You're in the band that one of my little brothers is in love with."

Then, instead of saying his name, he grinned with his white teeth showing. He leaned forward and looked into my eyes. Taking out two business cards from his jacket pocket, he placed them on the table. He wrote in both of them. In the middle of it, he asked, "What is your little brother's name?"  
"Tatsuha."  
He nodded his head.

Handing one to me, he announced, "This is to your little brother."  
Then, he handed me the other one. With a wink, he said, "I'm your fan. So, I guess I'll be watching more of you."

I rose an eyebrow and laughed when he walked away with a wave behind him.

I was never the same again. He messed up my way of thinking that afternoon…

**+/+/+/+/+/**

We were in Kyoto and father and Tatsuha were doing a service. Father was training Tatsuha, Tohma was out of town on a tour (with Tatsuha going nuts that he couldn't stalk "his Ryuichi"), and here I was taking care of the house. I was studying and I thought Eiri was too until I got up and went to his room to find out that he was writing another novel.  
He looked up from his desk and gave me a skeptical look, embarrassed to show me what he was doing. He never wanted to share his stories. I never knew why he could show other people, but not us. Maybe that was the only way he could vent, or so I reasoned to myself.  
I always let him be, as long as it didn't hurt him (or not too much, anyway).

I just touched his head as he continued to write, but I didn't read it. I rubbed his back just to let him know that I was supporting him.

At that moment, I noticed the cd that was out on his desk. It was in the shape of the usual square, but the booklet was dark blue. And when you looked closely, through the intricate black lines, it made the image of a butterfly, camouflaged by the blue. I blinked at it and I cocked my head to one side.  
My smile became a bit different as I felt like my heart was pinched a little between two fingers. What a weird reaction to the first thing Tohma had ever given me.

"I didn't know you had this too," I commented to Eiri as he turned his head to me.  
"I didn't know you liked this band too, Onee-san. You never played them on the stereo before."  
Then, he leaned his head onto my side. He made a dissatisfied face while looking at the lines of his manuscript. "I'll never get this right."

I told him, "Don't worry. You will be just fine."  
He began to smile as he took his head away from my body. "Thanks, Onee-san."

Then, I stepped away. As I walked away from him with his back towards me, I stopped at the door. I held onto the knob and didn't turn around. "Eiri?"  
"Yes, Onee-san?" I could hear his chair squeak and he turned his body towards my direction, but I didn't budge.

"Where did you buy that cd? That's really hard to find now that they're pretty popular."  
"Oh, Tohma-san gave it to me." I could hear the smile in his voice.  
"Ah, sou ka…" I nodded my head while firmly holding onto the doorknob for support.

If I didn't, I would have lost my balance.  
Click.  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/**

"Onee-san? Onee-san?" my little brother called out to me.

Tatsuha had fallen asleep from playing all day and so I knew it was none other than Eiri calling out to me. But before I could open my door, he already let himself in. He folded his arms as he leaned on the  
door.

I was at my desk with a single lamp giving light to my dim room. I was writing a report and I put my pen down, but my heart was beating fast, ready to break from fear.  
My brother couldn't face me. His eyes looked trapped as he looked from side to side and leaned on the door behind him as if it were the last source of support in the world.

"Yes? What is it, Eiri?" I asked with concerned eyes, but unable to get up.  
It was as if my legs had lost all feeling and my feet were plastered to the ground. I couldn't move at all.

'You're not mad about the cd, are you?" he hesitantly asked.  
I slowly shook my head.

I lied…  
I had lied to my own brother.  
_  
_"Take care of them, Mika. You're the oldest. You're the only one who'll understand them_,__"_my mother's voice flashed through my head.

Sometimes I hated being the oldest. You had to sacrifice more than you ever thought you needed to.

"Yes, you are mad." He looked up and we were staring at one another.

"You know he loves me more than you. That's why you're jealous of me-"  
"Stop it, Eiri." I said while trying my best to get up, but even my hands were becoming tingly as my heart began to crunch and twist inside of me.

"Onee-san? Don't you hate how much he looks at me the way you look at him?" His voice became a bit bolder, but he was still staring into my eyes.

Tears were starting to form in my eyes. "Please stop it…" I begged in a small voice.

Eiri was looking a bit taller.

"Tell me why he drops everything when it comes to me? Is that really guilt he feels for taking me to New York?"  
"Stop…stop…" I repeated over and over.

When I blinked again and the tears were dripping down onto the floor, I was sitting on a couch in his apartment in Tokyo. He was sitting down and smoking a cigarette on the other couch. His ashes were falling to the ground.

"He said I was the one he loved most in the world, didn't he? Remember he said that in a dream and you were trying your best to tell me that that was how much he cared? You were smiling at me."

I shook my head. "Stop it! STOP IT, EIRI!"

"Why are you mad at him, my dear?" Tohma's voice said as he turned his office chair so that I'd face him. I sat on the black leather chair as he stood next to me. His face…

I couldn't understand it. It looked like it was in so much pain, as if he couldn't choose…

Or he had. Silently.

"It's not his fault, and you know it," he told me as he sat on the desk and ran his fingers through my long hair. Tears were falling because that was the only part of me that could move voluntarily.

"I'm the one to blame. Not him. Not yourself. Why won't you blame it all on me as it should be?" He took a piece of my hair while leaning towards me.

I stared into those eyes that I loved so much.

"It's all my fault, Mika. I'm sorry. I-"

Then, as if I had torn something in my throat, an excruciating pain grabbed hold of my neck. I screamed, "No! I don't want to hear it! NO! DON'T TELL ME, TOHMA!"

When I opened my eyes, it was dawn. And I was looking at Tohma, who was soundly sleeping beside me. I shook him and he opened his eyes to watch me with worry.  
"What? What happened?"  
"I had a dream that you were crying and telling me sorry. But you couldn't tell me exactly what with your own words."

Or, I wished it went that way.

When I opened my eyes from that dream, it was dawn.

It was a dream I had in different variations over the years, but all with the same themes. And I did look at Tohma, but I didn't say a word each time. Not one word. As the walls of my heart were crashing within me, my tears were the only evidence of their destruction and bleeding. I just touched his hair and ran my fingers through it.  
It was always like this. Maybe it was just my insecurities and they had never left me since the time I saw that cd on Eiri's desk. But my instinct was never wrong.

But I was blind. No matter how smart and confident I was, Tohma could break me without even knowing it.

And I wondered for hours, then and now, when had all this happened? When did he start looking at Eiri? Did he intend to give that cd to him from the beginning? Was Tohma surprised because he already knew who my brother was?

I had to trust him though, as he did with me. And I did. So, I never asked.

Maybe that was better that I didn't know either…

But I couldn't help but wonder when had I lost Tohma. There was a part of him that I couldn't reach and only Eiri could. It made me jealous and it hurt me even more than I would ever let anyone know.

So, today, I went back to that same café because it was the 10th anniversary and the same band playing ten years ago was coming. I did the same thing I did then, even though there were a lot more people. I continued to listen to their music.  
And this time, as I ate my cake and drank my coffee, I was able to hear the insert stanzas that I missed when I talked to Tohma years ago. But today, this was their ending song.

The singer of "Absolute" was older, but all the more beautiful. All the more experienced. I was able to hear the voice that had matured with its emotions, smoothness, and intensity mixed with its melancholic tone. And when he looked out into the crowd this time, he captured them even more.

_"__The seasons will change  
And you and I will look at different things  
But what did you do  
When you hypnotized me?_

_Tell me there__'__s no such thing as __'__unrequited__'__,  
That__'__s a word I__'__m unable to accept.  
I__'__ll break every rule  
That fate has if we__'__re not written  
To be together._

_But every time you break my heart,  
Your eyes bring me back  
For more aches,  
I__'__ve learned to hate the word  
__'__hope__'__.__"__  
_  
When my eyes glanced around the crowd, there he was pushing his way through the crowd, trying to get to me. And I stared at him, trying not to cry. I refused to cry with all my pride.

"That's how you do it, Tohma…" I whispered to myself as he came closer and closer with a smile on his face. "No matter where I go, you know where I am. And I can't seem to get away."

Is this what they call fate?  
Is this what they call sacrifice?  
Is that what they call love?

No matter what it is, I can't tell.

All I know is that "I don't know how to say goodbye",  
The song that you came into my life with.

The same one I heard you singing to him,  
out in the garden,  
when I first introduced the two of you.  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: ** I was thinking of doing a Gravi fic, and I thought that I hadn't touched Mika in a long, long time. In fact, I've only written from her perspective one time. (I have yet to make a completefic for Nuriko herself. Ironically, I am cosplaying her for anime expo this year.) Yes, it is a range of things, and it seems quite lost.  
But I wanted something to do with the confusion Mika has because it is the same debate I have over Tohma whenever I read or watch Gravi. It is an interesting question that I don't like diving into (for, right now, my heart is literally aching inside of me for her), but I thought it'd be something different.

**Saturday, June 12, 2004**


End file.
